I recently aged into being the parent of a high-schooler. As
if just the thought of going back to high school isn't horrific enough, the
thought of my precious oldest daughter going there sends me into the shakes (no
need for the speedball, which I hear is still a "thing" in high
school). Now before you argue, "I LOVED high school!" or "High
schools are safer now than they were in 1979!" let me just add that I'm
not frightened for her nor do I worry she'll come home one day and announce
that she's made the cheerleading squad (heaven forbid). No, I just feel sorry
for her is all. Knowing that she has to get up at least 180 days of the next
365 and face all that crap? Hey, I'm extremely glad it's not me. I'll take sitting
in rush hour traffic, missing lunch to make a deadline and listening to my
neighbor swear/sing/fart/burp all day long…hands down.
This daughter of mine who was accused of being "pensive"
when she was only hours old has survived over half of freshman year already and
is turning 15 this week. But I haven't really given her any advice about high
school. I've been sitting back and seeing how she does. I might have thought
about it last summer, but the day we went to sign up, she came downstairs in a
Nirvana t-shirt and walked out the door in front of me. It was then I nodded to
myself and said, "Yeah, baby!" And I knew she was going to be
alright. She won't read this because she doesn't read anything I write, but
I'll write it anyway. It'll sit out on the interwebs and someday be found by a
prospective employer of mine who won't hire me then because they'll know how
f***ed up I am.
Here's what you need to know to survive high school and make
it to college:
1)
The Corinthians didn't get it all right. "When
I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a
child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." Hear it, file
it away. But know that it's okay to play with beloved toys and do the crafts
you always loved to do and giggle like a schoolgirl. You can set them aside too
if you prefer, and bring them out later. You're too young to carry the weight
of the world on your shoulders; let the world carry you for now and enjoy
living off your parents and making rash decisions with almost no repercussion.
It won't last.
2)
Believe that you're not "less" because
you're too young to vote/drink/drive. Learn then, that adults are not
"more" because they can. At the risk of shocking everyone, I will
tell you that you don't have to respect a teacher or youth group leader or any
adult just "because." They have to earn your respect; their position
buys them nothing. I'm not saying "don't be respectful" – there's a
difference. Even when they're not respectful to you. Hey kid, wrong plus wrong
does not equal right. But if you're not getting a sense of a person's worth or
quality or ability, MOVE ON. There are plenty of adults who are worthy.
Remember that some teachers are teachers because they weren't smart or
ambitious enough to become scientists or mathematicians.
3)
Worthy teachers, youth group leaders and other
adults can really help you out. I don't mean just to finish your homework or
get good grades. I mean in LIFE. Latch on to those people and hang on tight.
Don't let them get away (not that they would try, if they're truly worthy). You
need referrals and recommendations. You need an objective adult ear to listen
when you want to complain about your parents. You need someone who's not close
to you to tell you when you're being stoopid. Not all of your girlfriends can
or will do this for you (see below).
4)
It's okay to be the DUFF, or the one who brings
the snacks to the sleepovers or the one who has the car. Really. Don't put
forth extra effort just because you think it might get you "in." You
won't see or keep in touch with 99% of the people you meet in high school
anyway. Even your so-called "friends." Hang out. Laugh. It doesn't
matter if you're laughing with them or AT them. Just laugh. See, because 90% of
what those 99% of people do on a daily basis is completely ridiculous anyway
and you know it.
5)
So you're an introvert? Consider yourself lucky.
That means you don't depend upon the acceptance of other people to feel good
about yourself. Feel sorry for those who do, but it's okay to laugh at them too
(see above). I will apologize to you right now for all of the teachers who will
mark your grade down because you don't shout out the answer, nearly shit your
pants to be called on or ask them questions even when the answer is written on
the board. And I'm sorry for every time people call you shy, quiet or stuck up.
Lastly, I'm profusely sorry that some adults are so f***ing thick they make
"small-talk" with you because they think you're not having a good
time, they accuse you of "bringing down the group" with your stoicism
or call your attitude "poor" because you stick to the edge of the
crowds. Introverts are serious, successful and smart! Your best friends know
that you are also loyal and that you would gladly give them the shirt off your
back, though they might think that's weird for a high-schooler (and they'd be
right, of course). Most teen girls favor their ne…SQUIRREL!
6)
Fashion designers, buyers and sellers are
purveyors of LIES. They do what they do to make money. They don't care how
ridiculous you look if you wear it. If they trotted out the same thing as last
year, who would buy it? So their job is to keep re-inventing something that's
not broken to begin with (unless it was last year's fashion trend, haha).
Marketers send that crap to celebrities for free because they think you're
stupid enough to copy the look. Much of the time, they're proven right. The
same goes for the magazines and websites which try to convince you that if you
buy/wear this/that, you'll be special too. You're not, unless you're referring
to the kind of "special" that rides the little bus or gets shadowed
at school. If you like it, great! If it's riding up your butt-crack, giving you
corns or making you stick to your chair however, I won't believe you.
7) Know and live your math. The average life expectancy of the American woman is 81 years. High school is 4. So 4.9% of your life is spent enduring the torture that is high school. That's like an hour if you look at your whole life as one day. You spend longer than that in the bathroom. If it helps, just think of the days at school like being in the bathroom. You do your business, you leave. Heck, you spend 16% of your days having a period, so you've GOT THIS!
8)
Go to Homecoming. Or don’t. Go to Prom, or don’t.
It matters not. The people who say, “If you don’t go, you’ll always regret it”
are talking smack. The only adults who truly believe that are the ones whose
lives stopped improving after they graduated high school.
9)
Remember the advice you were given recently from
an adult you respect (not the counselors or the teachers who have neither
earned your respect nor bothered to learn your name): "Success is more
about what you do when you're there than the path you took to get there… But,
be unique so they remember you. And mind your GPA." Advice from 10 people
will come 10 different ways. It's really okay to sit back in your chair and
think to yourself, "Why should I take advice from this person who clearly
has not mastered his/her own?" Put your headphones on. Zone out.
10)
It IS about you right now. College is about you
too, but you can drink there. So consider this a warm-up to great things.
11)
Laugh. For heaven's sake. Everything is funny.
I think about that last one all the time, and it's true.
That's how we survive every day no matter if we're in high school or at our
jobs or at a daycare where some little asshole kid stole our toy away. At some
point that kid will have diarrhea and not make it to the toilet and we can
laugh like hyenas. And if it happens to us, we can laugh too, because that
shit's funny (see what I did there?). Get a big, fat F on your English paper?
Say to yourself, "Shit, I'm such a f***ing idiot. How do I even remember
my own name?" Then picture what my face will look like when you tell me.